A Memo From A Romantic!
We all want a connection with somebody. To feel close to someone, to know we are wanted, validated, cared for, loved, treasured etc.
We have to build that connection, sure initial chemistry helps yes.
Expecting to “feeeeeeeellllllllll” an instant magical Disney style connection with someone without you barely knowing this other person is a fool’s errand. One I have fallen into many a times, as we all have.
It takes time… time to build a connection, time for a person to allow themselves to open their world to another person. This is especially true for those of us who have had experienced the harsh side of love:
Love bombing
Gaslighting
Psychological harm
Physical harm
Choosing to date an asshole
That pain stays, it makes one guarded.
The reasons I write this, is because of a recent interaction I have had. That has thrown this perspective of connection into sharp reality… once again!
I have been talking to this woman, after 7 days she professed her “love for me”. Yes very quick I know, I however took a more slow approach, over the course of the interceding weeks, as we talked about meeting up and so forth, she has expressed varying degrees of deep love.
For my own part I have expressed interest in getting to know her, this has been met with some degree of openness from her, also reluctance (she may have her own reasons I am sure) Also she has yet to show actual interest in getting to know me.
She appears to see me as a “partner” and has asked me to help her out financially multiple times and always reacting with bitter anger with words such as “I don’t care about her or love her” because I won’t give her financial aid.
I have enumerated that there is a difference between Love and Lust. She has stated “now I know you don’t love me”. I have boundaries with taking things slow she if doesn’t like it, she knows where the door is.
All too often I have found people are in a hurry to date and want to feel that “quick magical connection” that seems to have dug into people’s brains, yet that exact hurriedness to feel such a connection causes people problems.
They search, talk, don’t find it right away, discard and move on. Dating apps, speed dating etc have only made this part of our interaction more brighter to see, I have come to find.
Learn to take it slow, peel back the layers, don’t go all in guns ablaze and don’t be outcome dependant, let things fall where they fall. A connection is built over time, not crafted in the seconds of tempestuous Lust that we often confuse for Love.
Thanks for reading
Martyn_Wolf
